Out Now: BEACH BODIES: A NUNCHUCK CITY BEATDOWN!

Exclusively on Godless!

Set after the events of Brian Asman's 2021 action comedy novella Nunchuck City, the raucous new novelette Beach Bodies finds fan-favorite idiot Chad Boner, Turbo City's Chief Bikini Inspector, hot on the trail of a deadly black market breast implant ring. Luckily, Chad's got local clown Patches is his corner. Can the duo crack the case, fuck up the bad guys, and get the deposit back on their tandem bike? Find out in Beach Bodies! 

With cover art by the amazing Marc Vuletich and layouts by the equally-amazing Lori Michelle, you won’t want to miss this one!

"I could not keep my shit together, so I had to stop. I will try again later today. I got to the first penis and it was all over" --Crystal Cook

Click HERE to grab a copy today!

Return of the Living Elves

“This Yuletide-themed homage to one of the greatest zombie films ever made is a rollicking good time. Brian Asman delivers laughs and gory thrills galore in a book sure to put you in the holiday spirit–if you don’t get disemboweled first. Eat the fruitcake and take the ride.” –Bryan Smith, author of 68 Kill

It's finally here! Today marks the true start of the holiday season, the release of my Yuletide cashg-grab horror comedy RETURN OF THE LIVING ELVES. When a mild-mannered warehouse supervisor and his Juggalo trainee crack open the wrong crate in the basement of the Whosgotta Christmas Supply Warehouse, the tiny town of Pine Canyon is suddenly overrun with zombies, led by one bloodthirsty and genetically-engineered elf!

You should really go buy like 15 copies right now (this Faberge egg egg-diction isn't going to pay for itself). It's available in paperback and ebook at the moment, with a hardcover on the way!

Paperback

Ebook

Now, you might be wondering whether this is a ripoff homage to the classic film THE RETURN OF THE LIVING DEAD, and yes, you are correct! Like many of my books, the title popped into my head first. Then I realized this would give me the chance to watch one of my all-time favorite movies on repeat in the guise of "research" so, if you'll pardon the pun, it was a bit of a no-brainer. GET IT???

Sorry, I used up all my good zombie jokes in the actual book. But seriously, as a horror writer, I'm always standing on the shoulder of giants, and one of the things I like to do with my work is acknowledge those who've come before, who've given us kickass stories full of horror and heart. For that reason, I've dedicated RETURN OF THE LIVING ELVES to Dan O'Bannon: "Dan--if you ever come back to life as a trioxin-animated corpse, I hope you'll do me the honor of eating my brain first."

If this book gives you even a smidgeon of the pleasure RETURN OF THE LIVING DEAD has given me over the years, I'll consider it a success. Enjoy!

RETURN OF THE LIVING ELVES coming November 29th!

From the author of Man, Fuck This House comes the brand-new novella Return of the Living Elves! It’s a horror comedy inspired by a certain very popular zombie film from the ‘80s, along with my desire to cash in on the holidays. It comes out November 29th and makes for the perfect gift, if I do say so myself.

When Christmas supply warehouse manager Jimmy tries to help new employee Tommy find a last-minute gift for his girlfriend, they accidentally unleash a long-forgotten and very seasonal genetic experiment with a taste for human flesh. As elf-zombie hybrids take over the small town of Pine Canyon, California, Jimmy fights to survive alongside Tommy's girlfriend, a Christpunk named Landfill, and a mysterious, PTSD-stricken soldier.

Watch the video here

Preorder the ebook now!

Preorder the paperback now!

Stoker Awards Preliminary Ballot + New Interview!

I am beyond thrilled to announce that my weird haunted house novella MAN, FUCK THIS HOUSE is on the Bram Stoker Awards Preliminary Ballot for Superior Achievement in Long Fiction. There’s a whole lot of indie fiction on there, too—think I counted three self-pubbed books in my category alone, plus great small presses like weird punk. I’m obviously over the moon to see my own book on there, but the way that the Stokers are recognizing indie/self-pub fiction and the amazing things people are doing to push the genre forward?

Incredible.

If you are an Active or Lifetime Member of the Horror Writers Association and would like an ebook copy of MAN, FUCK THIS HOUSE, please message me through the “Contact” option above or email me at brianasman0@gmail.com.

Also, I had the honor of appearing on the Visited by Voices show recently. It was a super fun discussion, and I revealed a couple bits of trivia about the genesis of MFTH I’ve never talked about before. You can watch the show here.

Yes, I'm Really* Giving Away a Haunted House

UPDATE: With MFTH at 84 ratings on Amazon, I’ve decided to announce a whole mess of step goals on the way to 1M sales once I hit 100 ratings. So, watch this space for further updates!

The other day on Twitter, I had what passes for a brainstorm—the PERFECT promotion for my new haunted house novella, MAN, FUCK THIS HOUSE (out now from Mutated Media and available in paperback/ebook!).

I should give away a haunted house.

Yes, you read that correctly. I’m planning to find a house for sale that the owners think is haunted, buy it, and give it away, which is actually a thing you can do. With one little caveat.

I need to sell one million copies of MAN, FUCK THIS HOUSE (cue Dr. Evil-pinkie-to-lip pose).

Now, is that a ridiculous number? Of course! But giving away an actual haunted house is a very ridiculous idea, and it’s not going to happen without some ridiculous sales. I’ve also got some step goals for various milestones along the way (100k, 250k, etc.—hell, if I can sell 10k copies I’ll do something very fucking cool).

This contest is also going to be good for my entire lifetime, so it’s not like the book needs to sell a million copies in the next month or something stupid. If it sells its millionth copy twenty years from now—and I’m sure anyone who knows me is raising an eyebrow at the prospect of me being alive in twenty years—then BAM, haunted house giveaway starts immediately.

I’m not naive, the chances of a little indie book selling like that are miniscule. But not impossible, and not unprecedented, either. You know the old saying, you can’t win if you don’t play. That applies equally to sports, gambling, AND haunted houses.

So, fuck it. IT’S GO TIME.

New Short Story in KELP Magazine, "Stool Pigeon"

Excited to announce one of the weirdest and darkest stories I’ve ever written, “Stool Pigeon,” has found a home at Kelp and can be read RIGHT FREAKING NOW! Check it out here: https://www.kelpjournal.com/post/fiction-stool-pigeon
”So the other weird thing about Bruno Harbeck’s bar was he had this pigeon. It sat on a stool next to a vintage Philadelphia Flyers pennant with newspaper layered on the floor underneath to catch the bird shit. Bruno had put this little studded collar around its neck and tethered the thing to an eyebolt sunk in the wall.

As far as I know, the bird didn’t have a name. Everybody just called it the pigeon. Or the bird. It didn’t really matter. Anybody would’ve known what you were talking about.”

New Novella Out Now!

It’s October 20th, which means my bizarre new haunted house novella MAN, FUCK THIS HOUSE came out yesterday!

For those of you who’ve read NUNCHUCK CITY or JAILBROKE, this is a bit of a departure. There’s still some humor, but it’s not slapstick, the stakes are higher, and the tone is—I hope—very unsettling. Funny, I initialed imagined something completely different, but without sounding too mystical about the whole thing, the book told me exactly what it wanted to be, and hopefully I’ve lived up to that.
Got a couple great blurbs so far, check them out:

"Brian Asman's Man, F*ck This House delivers an inventive take on one of horror's most tried and trusted genres. It's an off-kilter descent into madness and horror that'll leave you clutching your family close." -Zachary Ashford, When the Cicadas Stop Singing

"A whirlwhind of a ride...moments of mirth, moments of WTF." -Janine Pipe, author of Twisted: Tainted Tales

"Frenetic pacing, hilarious comedy, and inventive dialogue...[Asman] unleashes some suspense-building tricks worthy of King or Barker" -Nick Kolakowski, author of Absolute Unit
Intrigued? Go get it here or smash that MERCH button at the top of the page for signed copies.

New novella MAN, FUCK THIS HOUSE out October 19th!

Sabrina Haskins and her family have just moved into their dream home, a gorgeous Craftsman in the rapidly-growing Southwestern city of Jackson Hill. Sabrina’s a bored and disillusioned homemaker, Hal a reverse mortgage salesman with a penchant for ill-timed sports analogies. Their two children, Damien and Michaela, are bright and precocious.
At first glance, the house is perfect. But things aren’t what they seem.
Sabrina’s hearing odd noises, seeing strange visions. Their neighbors are odd or absent. And Sabrina’s already-fraught relationship with her son is about to be tested in a way no parent could ever imagine.
Because while the Haskins family might be the newest owners of 4596 James Circle, they’re far from its only residents…

Intrigued yet? MAN, FUCK THIS HOUSE is my version of a haunted house book. It’s weird, off-kilter, but is definitely the most “traditionally horror” long-form work I’ve published. And I can’t wait for y’all to read it.

Ebook preorders are up on Amazon right now, but if you’d like a signed copy, just click that “Merch” button at the top of the page, I’ve got some smoking hot deals going on.
All right, that’s all for now, enjoy your spooky season and crack open a pumpkin-flavored beverage of your choice for me!