New Short Story in KELP Magazine, "Stool Pigeon"

Excited to announce one of the weirdest and darkest stories I’ve ever written, “Stool Pigeon,” has found a home at Kelp and can be read RIGHT FREAKING NOW! Check it out here: https://www.kelpjournal.com/post/fiction-stool-pigeon
”So the other weird thing about Bruno Harbeck’s bar was he had this pigeon. It sat on a stool next to a vintage Philadelphia Flyers pennant with newspaper layered on the floor underneath to catch the bird shit. Bruno had put this little studded collar around its neck and tethered the thing to an eyebolt sunk in the wall.

As far as I know, the bird didn’t have a name. Everybody just called it the pigeon. Or the bird. It didn’t really matter. Anybody would’ve known what you were talking about.”

New Novella Out Now!

It’s October 20th, which means my bizarre new haunted house novella MAN, FUCK THIS HOUSE came out yesterday!

For those of you who’ve read NUNCHUCK CITY or JAILBROKE, this is a bit of a departure. There’s still some humor, but it’s not slapstick, the stakes are higher, and the tone is—I hope—very unsettling. Funny, I initialed imagined something completely different, but without sounding too mystical about the whole thing, the book told me exactly what it wanted to be, and hopefully I’ve lived up to that.
Got a couple great blurbs so far, check them out:

"Brian Asman's Man, F*ck This House delivers an inventive take on one of horror's most tried and trusted genres. It's an off-kilter descent into madness and horror that'll leave you clutching your family close." -Zachary Ashford, When the Cicadas Stop Singing

"A whirlwhind of a ride...moments of mirth, moments of WTF." -Janine Pipe, author of Twisted: Tainted Tales

"
Frenetic pacing, hilarious comedy, and inventive dialogue...[Asman] unleashes some suspense-building tricks worthy of King or Barker" -Nick Kolakowski, author of Absolute Unit
Intrigued? Go get it here or smash that MERCH button at the top of the page for signed copies.

New novella MAN, FUCK THIS HOUSE out October 19th!

Sabrina Haskins and her family have just moved into their dream home, a gorgeous Craftsman in the rapidly-growing Southwestern city of Jackson Hill. Sabrina’s a bored and disillusioned homemaker, Hal a reverse mortgage salesman with a penchant for ill-timed sports analogies. Their two children, Damien and Michaela, are bright and precocious.
At first glance, the house is perfect. But things aren’t what they seem.
Sabrina’s hearing odd noises, seeing strange visions. Their neighbors are odd or absent. And Sabrina’s already-fraught relationship with her son is about to be tested in a way no parent could ever imagine.
Because while the Haskins family might be the newest owners of 4596 James Circle, they’re far from its only residents…

Intrigued yet? MAN, FUCK THIS HOUSE is my version of a haunted house book. It’s weird, off-kilter, but is definitely the most “traditionally horror” long-form work I’ve published. And I can’t wait for y’all to read it.

Ebook preorders are up on Amazon right now, but if you’d like a signed copy, just click that “Merch” button at the top of the page, I’ve got some smoking hot deals going on.
All right, that’s all for now, enjoy your spooky season and crack open a pumpkin-flavored beverage of your choice for me!

It's My Birthday, Buy My Books!

Today, I turn forty. As a kid, I could imagine turning INTO a 40 (Steel Reserve, natch) but turning forty actual years old?

Inconceivable.

Since it’s my birthday, and a milestone one at that, I’ll hope you’ll forgive a little self-promotion. My newest novella, NUNCHUCK CITY, is just BEGGING to hit #1 in Amazon’s “Humorous Science Fiction” category. It’s currently on sale for $2.99 (ebook) or $8.69 (paperback). Of course you can hit that “Merch” button and get a signed copy, too—there’s no wrong way to buy my books!

Kind of appropriate I’m promoting NUNCHUCK CITY today, because it’s very much a hodgepodge of things I loved as a kid—ninjas, video games like DOUBLE DRAGON and BAD DUDES, liquified cheese—and things I love now, like satire, gore, and yes, liquified cheese. It’s probably the most “me” book I’ve ever written. And based on the initial reactions, it might just be the most “you” book I’ve ever written, too.

But don’t just take my word for it, check out what some of the critics are saying:

"Nunchuck City is well-written, funny and so strange you can understand why you've never seen a martial arts story like this before. Asman has created the B-movie that everybody has truly wanted to see but without the so-bad-it's-good and instead just: it's good." -Babou 691

"If you're in the mood for over the top action and comedy to boot, you'll be grinning all the way through to its suitably bombastic finale" -Kendall Reviews

"Nunchuck City has ninjas, it has fondue, it stars a fun cast, it has romance, and it has a never give up on your dreams message. It has everything a good story needs." -As Told By Bex

"One of the funniest, most The Naked Gun-esque stories I have ever read...If you love great writing, slapstick humor, and a memorable, totally lovable cast...you're going to adore this book. I promise." -What's Under the Covers Book Reviews

"[A] frequently violent, always funny send-up of the martial arts genre...Asman (Jailbroke) has a pitch-perfect ear for the tropes of martial arts movies" -Booklife by Publishers Weekly

NUNCHUCK CITYpunch boredom right in its stupid face, today! My birthday. Yes, I’m going to continue harping on that.

NUNCHUCK CITY OUT NOW + REVIEW ROUNDUP

You better NUN-CHECK yourself before you wreck yourself!

That’s right, folks, my brand-spanking new martial arts comedy novella NUNCHUCK CITY hits stores today! It’s the heartwarming tale of a reluctant ninja who just wants to open a drive-thru fondue restaurant. When an old enemy kidnaps the mayor, he’s going to have to drop the spatula and dust off his nunchucks one last time.

The book is pretty heavily influenced by side-scrolling beat ‘em up games like BAD DUDES and DOUBLE DRAGON—as a kid I loved getting to fight a bunch of ninja on top of a speeding tractor-trailer, but I always wondered WHY? Why are these guys fighting? NUNCHUCK CITY is my way of answering that question, and it’s also a loving tribute to everything from TMNT to the AMERICAN NINJA movies to the incredibly brilliant THE FOOT FIST WAY.

So far, feedback’s been quite positive, but don’t take MY word for it—here’s a bunch of really kind words from some awesome folks.

Babou691

Kendall Reviews

As Told By Bex

Under the Covers Book Reviews

Booklife

MyIndieMuse

Ghostville Hero

Interviews:

MyIndieMuse

Fanbase Press


More to come!

NUNCHUCK CITY Out 4/20!

You better nun-check yourself before you wreck yourself!

Disgraced ex-ninja Nunchuck “Nick” Nikolopoulis just wants to open a drive-thru fondue restaurant with his best friend Rondell. But when an old enemy kidnaps the mayor, and a former flame arrives in hot pursuit, Nick’s going to have to dust off his fighting skills and face his past. Plus an army of heavily-armed ninjas, a very well-dressed street gang, an Australian sumo wrestler with a gnarly skin condition, giant robots, municipal paperwork, and much, much more! From the rooftops to the sewers, Nick and his ex-girlfriend Kanna Kikuchi are in for the fight of their lives!

Also featuring the backup story “Curse of the Ninja” by Lucas Mangum!

You can preorder the ebook version on Amazon here, or get the paperback via my new online store!

INVISIBLE MAN AND DOUBLE MUMBO-JUMBO

Spoiler alert: THE INVISIBLE MAN is one of my favorite movies of the year thus far in a year that’s been EXCEPTIONALLY strong (UNDERWATER, AFTER MIDNIGHT, GRETEL & HANSEL, motherfucking VFW, even SONIC THE HEDGEHOG have all rocked my socks off). The movie is tense, terrifying, and definitely surprising, and Elizabeth Moss turns in a brilliant performance. But that doesn’t mean the film is above criticism. While it didn’t stifle my enjoyment during the movie, only became a nit that nagged at me afterwards, there’s some double mumbo-jumbo in the movie and I think there didn’t have to be.

For those of you who haven’t read SAVE THE CAT, double mumbo-jumbo means that the script is asking the audience to accept more than one fantastical premise. The examples Blake Snyder uses aren’t great, so I’ll just create a hypothetical—imagine that in ALIENS, one of the Colonial Marines is a magic user. Single mumbo-jumbo is the Xenomorphs, but we can accept an alien like that in that world. But if you add in magic for some reason, we’re going to call bullshit.

THE INVISIBLE MAN asks us to accept the premise that a man can turn invisible, which isn’t all that far-fetched. But then it also asks us to accept the soap opera plot point of someone faking their death. Someone famous. And while occasionally people do try to fake their own death, it’s usually someone who’s not well-known who is facing some serious legal trouble—Samuel Israel III, for example. I have trouble believing that an Elon Musk-level tech celeb could get away with such a thing (and if you still think it would be easy for someone to do if they had enough money, why are mega-rich guys like Harvey Weinstein and Bill Cosby sitting in prison when they could have faked their own deaths?).

And it’s not just that Adrian fakes his own death, he stages a suicide in a hotel room where he slits his wrists. If he’d disappeared at sea, okay, but a hotel? Think about it—the number of people who’d have to be in on the scheme is ridiculous. Adrian’s brother, sure, plus the hotel housekeeper who finds him, the EMTs, at minimum a couple uniformed officers and maybe some detectives, the coroner, the coroner’s assistant…that’s a lot of people to pay off and then trust not to tell their spouse, their priest or rabbi, or their friendly local bartender. Grand conspiracies usually fall apart under their own weight, because it’s demonstrably true that two can keep a secret when one of them is dead.

A quick fix to erase the double mumbo-jumbo would be for Adrian to be jailed, rather than fake his suicide. He could smuggle in his invisible tech, and continue to harass and stalk Cecilia. The plot point of people not believing her would work just fine, since her cop friend could even point to jailhouse CCTV footage that shows Adrian never leaving his cell. Sure, you lose the great urn gag in the brother’s office, but that’s the only thing that’s lost, and you’re not asking the audience to swallow too much fantastical stuff.

MIDSOMMAR is a Perfect Circle

Midsommar is a straightforward narrative and a morally complicated film, one that, like any good piece of art, seems to have grown far out of the intentionality that birthed it. Director Ari Aster’s called Midsommar a break-up movie, and in some ways it is. There’s definitely an argument to be made that the ritualized suicide that the Harga engage in when one reaches the ripe old age of seventy-two is a metaphor for ending a relationship that’s well past its expiration date. It’s better to end something than to let it limp along, one could say. And one could read murder/suicide as a distinct metaphor for a breakup as well, since it’s usually one person choosing to end things for both partners. But I think the movie is actually a little more complex than that. It’s ultimately about a woman turning into her sister, and how what I like to call the Mask of Exoticism prevents many viewers from actually understanding what’s going on.

Murder and suicide recur throughout the movie, and in every instance are partnered together. The film opens with a murder/suicide, the midpoint of the film is a murder/suicide, and the end of the film is a murder/suicide. But how differently do we react to the murder/suicides in the Harga village, versus that first murder/suicide in a snowbound house in Minnesota? Dictionary.com defines exoticism as “the quality of being attractive or striking through being colorful or unusual.” Each event is fundamentally the same, if you peel back what’s happening to the relevant first principles, and yet again and again I’ve heard people describe the Harga’s ritualized suicide as beautiful[1], in its own way. Why is that? Because the flower dresses and the pageantry and the breathing and singing in Swedish obscures what’s going on. The associated cultural relativism is even discussed in the movie, when Christian says “It’s - cultural. We abandon our elderly to nursing homes. I’m sure they find that disturbing.”[2]

Let’s talk about each murder/suicide, and how they might compare and contrast. First, the film opens on Terri Ardor running hoses from the exhaust pipe of a car in the garage of the Ardor home, duct-taping one to her own face and the other to the crack under her parents’ bedroom door. While we can’t know the exact circumstances, it’s assumed that Terri has made the decision to die for all three of them. Her final email to Dani reads “ i cant anymore - everything’s black - mom and dad are coming too. goodbye[3].” We’ve got a blend of willing and unwilling death, with Terri as the engineer.

Next, near the midpoint of the film we have the ritual of  Ättestupa. In Harga culture, when someone reaches the age of seventy-two, they jump off a gigantic rock and (hopefully) smash their head open on a much smaller rock, killing themselves instantly. In one of the more unsettling and tense moments in the film, Dani watches as two village elders sing to each other, ascend the rock on litters, cut their palms open and smear blood all over a rune-etched rock, and then jump to their deaths. One can argue that the driver for this behavior is societal pressure (what’s never mentioned in the film is what would happen if a 72-year-old opted out of the ritual), and therefore the decision to die is not being made by the elders, but by younger people in the village who would presumably ostracize them or maybe finish the job themselves if the elders refused to jump. This parallels Terri’s murder of her parents, but in this case “Terri” is the entire village. The Mask of Exoticism descends, and prevents us from seeing that the seeming “choice” of the Harga elders is no choice at all. The film puts a capstone on this idea when the male elder[4], having succeeded in maiming himself but not dying during his jump, is dispatched via mallet by multiple younger villagers.

Directly after this shocking event Dani, traumatized and in tears after seeing what amounts to a reenactment of the deaths of her family, stumbles off alone while Christian shouts after her “Good idea. I’ll find you in a bit?[5]” (In the film, the line is changed to “Just take some time to yourself, okay” which is much more effective--all he gives her is time to herself). The nature of the idyllic community is revealed at the same time as the nature of her relationship with Christian is revealed to her. In the wake of her family’s death, he was only half-heartedly there for her, and now he’s abdicated any sort of responsibility completely. This reveal completely informs the final scene, and Dani’s subsequent behavior--horrific as it is to watch two people leap to their deaths she does start feeling more at home and mingling with the villagers afterwards. One could argue that’s because of Christian’s emotional abandonment, but I would argue it’s because she sees her own family in the Harga.

A few scenes later, the British couple who freaked out during the ritual and disrespected the village’s tradition in the eyes of the Harga (Simon and Connie) disappear. We later find out they’ve been murdered, making this scene in the middle of the movie a true murder/suicide. This is one of the changes from script to final film that made a lot of sense. In the script, they linger on for another twenty pages, and the ultimate confrontation between the Brits and the Harga involves a totally different ritual, the sacrifice of nine animals. More closely tying the deaths of the Brits to the ritual of Ättestupa makes a lot more sense for the narrative. One, for most people it’s more impactful, since Ättestupa involves the deaths of human beings. Two, it turns the Ättestupa ritual into more of a clear murder/suicide, effectively tying the scene to both the opening and closing scenes.   

Finally, at the end of the movie nine people are sacrificed in the Sacred House. Some of these are unwilling murder victims (all of the “new bloods” as the movie calls them--Simon, Connie, Josh, Mark, and Christian), while some are not--Ulf and Ingemar get the “honor” of sacrificing themselves, since they were the ones who whacked the various visitors who dishonored Harga traditions. Ulf and Ingemar effectively commit suicide, in the same way as the two village elders from the ritual at the midpoint of the film--in fact their suicides are directly tied to the murders of Josh, Mark, Connie and Simon, since by Harga custom by killing these “new bloods” they signed their own death warrants. Dani presides over this final murder/suicide, in the same way as her sister Terri did at the beginning. She chooses Christian, sentencing him to death just like Terri sentenced their parents to death. Here it’s cloaked in ritual, done with fire instead of carbon monoxide (although positioned in the middle of the Sacred House, it’s possible Christian dies from smoke inhalation rather than the fire itself, which more perfectly mirrors the opening deaths--either way, the source of the carbon monoxide is a combustion engine, and fire is a more primal version of that very thing), but both Dani and Terri are engaging in the same activity--deciding that someone else should die, and then taking their own lives.

But wait, Dani doesn’t kill herself at the end of the movie--she’s watching Christian die and smiling: “A SMILE finally breaks onto Dani’s face...She has lost herself completely, and she is finally free. It is horrible and it is beautiful[6].” Except, in choosing to end Christian’s life, she’s also chosen to commit suicide. Yes, perhaps it’s another forty-six years in the future, and there’s always the chance another one of life’s perils might get her, but in this moment, by choosing the Harga, by choosing to feed the problematic person in her life to the flames, she’s choosing the ritual of Ättestupa.

And in doing so, she’s transformed fully into Terri, the nominal source of the grief that’s plagued and powered her for the past six months. The Mask of Exoticism prevents both her and most audience members from seeing this, and to be fair we experience the end of the movie with Dani while only seeing the aftermath of Terri’s actions. The tragedy lies in the fact that Dani thinks she’s found something different when she’s actually just traded one family that engages in murder and suicide for another (although due to the Harga’s size, it’s at least a bit more sustainable). In the end, Midsommar starts and ends exactly where it began--a fitting form for a movie about a recurring festival.


[1] Well, aside from the really dumb and superficial takes like “The Harga are eeeevvvvvillll.”

[2] Aster, Ari. “Midsommar.” 2018. 61. http://a24awards.com/film/midsommar/Midsommar_script.pdf

[3] Ibid, 1.

[4]Who, in the screenplay, is named “Dan”--an interesting allusion to our protagonist that I’ve not yet been able to parse.

[5] Ibid, 55..

[6] Page 115.